Darkstalker Girl's Goth Challenge

I have been going through a horrible identity crisis for years now. I used to be an adorable little gothy girl. But then I moved to the Midwest and had children and started working corporate jobs. I do not feel like me. I do not feel right in my skin. I feel like I am playing a role. I am not comfortable on a daily basis. I feel like everyone is staring at me. I come from a huge city and now live in a tiny craphole. I absolutely hate it. I feel like every move I make is documented and shared at a wildfire pace. So I do nothing. I say nothing. I am nothing.

Midwest close minded mentality + children + professional image = ???? 

Not me. Not who I really am, but who I have to be to function out here. Quite frankly, I am sick of it. I am really not sure what has brought on this change. I think it has a lot to do with moving to 3rd shift. I am alone all night. I am unsupervised. I am not visible. It could also have something to do with going back home to NYC for the first time in 11 years the past 2 years. I have reconnected to my roots; my true friends back home. They made me realize that I am more than this. I am more than just a mom.

 I'm over it. I'm making small changes. I began my sleeves. I have the first piece started on my left forearm. It's Alice from Alice in Wonderland. I plan on having the card soldiers swirling around the other side.

As I mentioned before,  I am dyeing my hair again and FINALLY getting my lip pierced.  I think I will do that next weekend.  I am excited and I have so many more ideas.  I used to have more ear piercings and my tongue was pierced.  I have tried to put the barbell back in but I think it's healed :(

Looky what I found! I have been seeing a lot of these and quite a few blogs have pointed back to DarkStalker Girl (love her! She's adorable). It's the Goth Challenge! I am going to give this a shot.   I found a 30 day challenge too that I tacked on to this one. 


1. 5 pieces that every Goth wardrobe should have, regardless of style
2 5 movies for Goths
3 What my own Goth lifestyle is like
4. Favorite thing to put on my head
5. My wardrobe turnover
6. My favorite Goth brand
7. Why I wear Goth fashion?
8. Why don't I wear Goth all the time?
9. 5 keywords that describe my personal Goth style
10. How I first found out about Goth fashion
11. 3 trends I wish would come back
12. Combining other fashions with Goth
13. Goths I have met in real life
14. Goths I would love to meet
15. 3 things I wish I was told when I was a Baby Bat
16. 10 facts about my Goth wardrobe
17. My first concert/festival
18. Trends I thought I would never get into, but I now love
19. Trends I thought I loved, but now I'm not too keen on
20. How satisfied I am with my current wardrobe
21. Plan for a trip! A week's worth of Goth outfits I can fit in a small suitcase
22. How I accessorize
23. What influences my Goth style
24. What's in my makeup bag
25. Best places to wear Goth fashions
26. How I get out of a wardrobe slump
27. Purses that I love
28. Corsets or no?
29. Goth-ing things in my everyday life
30. How long it took me to build a complete wardrobe
31. Impulse buys that were totally worth it
32. My best deal
33. Something that I made
34. Wardrobe blunders! Things I bought that I ended up regretting!
35. What I thought when I got my first real Goth fashion item
36. Nails to match my favorite looks
37. Something that's not my style, but I love anyways
38. Favorite hair style
39. Most versatile Goth item I own
40. 5 inspirational fictional characters
41. Fondest concert/festival
42. The ways in which I fit the cliche
43. The ways in which I do not fit the cliche
44. How strangers react to my clothes, and how I react to their reactions
45. Something that was a gift
46. Parasols: Vital or frivolous?
47. The item in my wardrobe that was the hardest to get
48. My "signature" outfit
49. My favorite Goth book and movie
50. What's in my closet, but I haven't worn yet!
51. Predict the next Goth trend!
52. How Goth has changed me
53. How did you come across the subculture?
54. Share photos and experiences from your Baby Bat days
55. When did you come out the Goth closet (or if you haven’t, simply discuss the topic)
56. Name a stereotype or cliché you can relate to
57. Is there a local Goth band or group in your area?
58. Hand write your favorite lyric and take a picture
59. Ten of your favorite goth bands
60. What’s your worst and best experience with non-Goths?
61. What genre of music do you dislike?
62. What do you hate and love about the subculture?
63. Is Goth a lifestyle for you?
64. What’s your gothic inspiration?
65. What was your first band t-shirt?
66. What was your best and worst DIY disaster?
67. Your favorite or most expensive item in your wardrobe
68. What’s the most casual you’ve ever dressed?
69. Your favorite Goth brand
70. Worst hair experience
71. Share beauty advise and take a photo of your makeup
72. If you could dye your hair any color what would it be?
73. What body mod do you have or have considered?
74. If you could attend any Goth event what would it be?
75. Your favorite artist or photographer
76. Name the best website for Goths
77. Did you ever consider leaving the subculture?
78. Show a photo for every year that you’ve been into Goth
79. The worst thing you ever did to a newbie
80. Do you consider yourself an eldergoth?
81. What do you think will happen to Goth in the future?
82. Make a list of blogs you regularly read and link to them

My Wen order finally arrived!  I was just thinking about it last night.  I have this master plan for a mini makeover.  I finally have the opportunity to make a few changes that I have wanted to make for years and years. 

I want to put a color streak back in my hair and finally get my lip pierced.  I have been working professional type jobs forever so I have not been able to do anything fun with my appearance.  But now I am primarily 3^rd shift until the unforeseeable future.  I never have to see anyone except the tech I am relieving and the tech who relieves me.  And maybe a cleaning person here and there.  The point is, I no longer have to keep up a purely corporate image.  I’m not going to go crazy and get a neck tattoo and dye my hair blue or anything too outlandish. 

I plan on getting a tiny stud to wear while my lip piercing heals.  After it heals, I’ll switch it out for a hoop during the day and change it to a clear retainer for work.  I plan on getting Abreva Conceal adhesives too which I will wear until the 2^nd shift is gone and then put it back on when 1^st shift arrives. 

I want to put in a small dark blue streak on left side of my hair and dye the rest black.  At the moment, I have let my hair grow out and I haven’t dyed it in months.  I hate it.  With a passion.  This Wen stuff is supposed to be awesome for color treated hair.  I would commit to Wen if it doesn’t fade my dye job as fast as regular shampoo does.

I couldn’t wait to try it out so I used it tonight.  My kit came with all kinds of extra stuff.  I got the Pomegranate Cleansing Conditioner , SIXTHIRTEEN Ultra Nourishing Cleansing Treatment in Sweet Almond Mint, AntiFrizz Styling Crème in Vanilla Mint, Volumizing Root Lift in Sweet Almond Mint and Replenishing Treatment Mist in Sweet Almond Mint. 

It took me forever and a half to figure out how the pump worked.  I felt like an idiot.  I finally googled it and found out I wasn’t alone.  A lot of people had issues trying to get it to work the first time.  It’s packaged in a way so the pump doesn’t get damaged in transit.  You have to push down and turn it to get it to pop up.  Never would have guessed.  Well, after that, I followed the instructions and worked it through my hair, left it on for a few minutes and rinsed.  Then I put in the some more and added the SIXTHIRTEEN Ultra Nourishing Cleansing Treatment.  That stuff had mint in it and made my scalp all tingly.  It was amazing. 

I’ve been a Dove girl (occasionally Pantene if it was on sale) forever.  I have very straight, very fine, limp dull hair.  It does nothing.  It’s just there.  It won’t hold a curl for the life of me.  I can braid it after a shower and let it air dry to get it to hold a wave but it’ll be frizzy and dry also.  I liked Dove because the conditioners were very light.  My thin, oily hair doesn’t do a thing if it’s weighed down.  So I was pretty nervous about Wen.

Wen is thick and luxurious.  There is no lather at all.  It looks like conditioner.  I was sure it would just sit on my hair and weigh it down like so many cleansers before it.  But no.  I have let it air dry.  All I did was slap on some of the antifrizz crème to the ends of my hair and left for work.  It has dried and I cannot stop touching it.  It is soft, and light and there is body.  This is THE first time I have used it.  It’s supposed to take 3 weeks for the full effect.  I am so excited!  I love it!  I absolutely love it.  It is worth the money, for sure.  I believe I will use Wen and only Wen on my hair if it does this. 

Before, I would hear a crackling sound if I grabbed my hair.  It was so dry all of the time.  It would be oily on top after a day and brittle and dry at the ends.  I gave up on it ever looking like anything you see on TV.  I always wished I had thick hair.  Now, it is soft and bouncy and there is NO frizz at all.  I think I can start to love my hair.

 

I cannot wait to try the volumizing root lift.  I didn’t do it tonight because you have to have dry hair to use it.  I left home with it still wet.  Mmm….  I don’t even want to twist it up like I always wear it.  It’s down and absolutely lovely.  You can check it out for yourself here.  The basic kit is well worth the money.  Shipping was free when I ordered.  I have no regrets whatsoever. 

Off my meds

I have been accidentally off my medication for about 3 days. I say accidentally because I didn't plan on it. I have been very good about taking it every day. But my insurance wouldn't cover filling it at a pharmacy. They wanted about 9x as much to fill it this time.

I had to call to have mail order started. That can take up to 11 days. I know it's all psychological, but I feel.... Weird I guess. I just don't feel right. I don't know what is wrong with me, really. I have anxiety and have been treated with Wellbutrin and Xanax. I have had 3 panic attacks that resulted in hospital stays so far in the past year.

I want it to stop. I want these feelings to stop. I want to be normal. I want to not worry and obsess I've every little thing. I am probably depressed too. I haven't had time to call a shrink. I don't even know where to begin.

I do feel very alone. I feel victimized. I feel like there is no justice. I am dizzy a lot. I am very tired. I am unmotivated to do anything. I don't know what to do to help myself. I don't want to do anything. I am so scared of having another panic attack that I avoid absolutely everything and everyone. I stay away from social situations. I live hour to hour. I do whatever it takes to get through just one hour at a time.

This is debilitating. I don't even remember what it's like not to care. I don't know what it's like to feel okay. I don't know what it's like not to feel like I am going to freak out every minute I am awake.

I need answers.

That also reminds me. I also haven't had a period in over 2 months. That freaks me out. I'm not pregnant (verified by blood test and pelvic exam). So there is something very wrong with me.

I try not to think about that. I can't think about it. But not thinking about it makes me obsess about not thinking about to the poi t I am thinking about it.

I am miserable. I truly am. I have no passion for anything. I have no drive for anything. I have nothing to look forward to. I don't feel like a living person.

Take some time out for yourself once in awhile

I am impulsive.  I have always been this way.  I make these split decisions and then regret them.  But then when I take my time on a decision I obsess over it for days, weeks, months, years until it blows up in my face because I waited too long….

In this case, I feel pretty good about it.  I ordered Wen.  I know, I know.  It’s not a life changing decision.  I just like to be a bit melodramatic sometimes.  So I apologize for the ominous introduction (even if it is all completely true).  For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about.  Wen is a hair care revolution.  Some sort of magical treatment that replaces the most common 5 hair products most of us use daily to look somewhat presentable every day of our lives.  It is a shampoo, conditioner, deep conditioner, detangler and leave-in conditioner all in one.  

I am a sucker for early morning infomercials.  It’s gotten worse since I work 3^rd shift now.  I get home in time to watch the end of some.  And on days off, I’m up all night watching whatever I DVR’d that week and infomercials while I get homework or work done.  This one has been one I’ve scoffed at for weeks. 
 

I used to love taking care of myself.  I loved spending time and money getting my nails done, getting haircuts every season, buying new clothes and makeup, watching and reading blogs on new makeup techniques and hairstyles….  But since I have gained so much weight this year…  I don’t do any of that anymore.  I didn’t notice how much I have neglected myself until one day, I dug out some eyeliner and lipstick and my husband asked who I was getting all dressed up for….  That made me sad (and a little mad).  

Why did it seem so out of character for me to put some makeup on?  Because I haven’t done it in months, that’s why.  I quit doing anything to draw attention to myself.  I despised passing mirrors.  They just showed me how much my body has changed; how much I have let myself go.  I have anxiety attacks just thinking about any kind of social interaction when people might have to look at me.  

I have a horrible self-image.  And it has to stop.  So, lately, I have been putting on makeup every day.  I have been making small changes, water instead of soda sometimes, salad instead of fried foods sometimes.  I know I have to make drastic changes to see any kind of drastic changes but I am not ready yet.  

This little investment in hair care has made me realize I have to make other changes.  I say I need to lose weight a million times a day.  I joke about being a “fat ass” and call myself the “fat funny one” now.  I used to be the “pretty one” or sometimes the “smart one”.  I just want to be the one to say it first before people say it behind my back.  I know what I look like.  It wasn’t a big issue until I moved to the new house a few months ago…

My husband and I moved ourselves (every one of our friends were mysteriously unreachable that weekend lol) across town.  We had a ton of furniture and appliances.  Well we managed to get it all done.  That Sunday my knee was hurting a little bit.  I didn’t think much about it.  Until it got progressively worse.  By Tuesday I could barely put any weight on it at all.  I went to a doctor to make sure it wasn’t anything serious that required any kind of surgery.  It was derangement of the knee and I was told to use crutches and offered pain medication which I turned down because I absolutely hate pain meds.  I limped for about a week and a half and once in awhile it still gives me problems.  

So I did the best thing I could think of.  I looked online about ways to alleviate knee/joint pain.  I have been getting random pains and just not feeling well at all lately.  I have trouble breathing and sleeping.  And lo and behold, every article I read said to lose weight.  My weight is putting way too much pressure on my joints.  Pressure that I have never had to deal with before.  The only time I was ever over 130 was when I was pregnant.  I have absolutely no excuse for my size now.

My BMI is 28.6 at the moment which is overweight, leaning towards obesity.  I had a checkup done for an insurance break at work ($20 off per month for 15 minutes of my life, sure!).  That should have been a wakeup call.  I put the results away and I haven’t looked at them since.  I don’t know how to deal with it right now.  I have high everything, cholesterol, triglycerides…  You name it, I have it.  

My oldest son is taking after me.  I have to change.  I have to do it now.  I can’t wait. My family needs me and I have to set a good example.

An intro of sorts

I have been trying to figure out what kind of blog I want to make this.  I have been thinking of all the reasons why to start a blog and researching other blogs and obsessing….  But now I think I will just dive in and let it take me where it wants to go.

I have many interests.  I have many influences.  I have so much to pull from.  I am a mother.  I am a wife.  I am a career woman.  I am a student.  I want to lose weight.  I love to cook.    I love to travel.  I love to go on ghost hunts.  I want to pursue photography.  I want to work for myself someday.... 

Instead of going in one direction, I think I will just write.  I want to document my life and all the experiences me and my family have. 

I may find a focus and go with it.  But until then, this will be a place for me to get my ideas out of my head.  I have so much going on at all times.

I am a mother of 3 boys and 1 step daughter. My husband and I have a very interesting family.  There is Vek, 12, Lil, 11, Boo, 9, and Zill, 3.  The boys are mine.  But our weird little brood keeps us busy and entertained for now.  They are all hilarious.  They are all sweet.  Their dynamic is intriguing.  The baby is cuddly but fierce.  The middle boy has the weirdest obsessions.  It's been llamas lately....  The girl can hold her own with all these brothers.  She's not scared of them in the slightest.  And the oldest is a big softie.  It could be all the hormones but he's so sensitive to everything around him.

I am a wife.  It's a new role for me.  I have never been one to want to actually get married despite being "engaged" a few times in the past.  I have learned so much about who I am and what I want in life though. 

I am a career woman.  I stumbled into my dream job.  I was unemployed a couple years ago.  I was going to school full time.  I was offered a 2 week temporary assignment which turned into a 90 day part time contract which turned into full time employment.  I am currently in the IT field.  I love my job.  I do not have a degree yet so I am extremely fortunate to be where I am today.

I am still a student.  I took a year off and now I am back.  I go to a regular university but I take distance (online) courses.  Online classes are waaaaaaaaaaaay harder than conventional lecture type classes.  I am determined to graduate.