Off my meds

I have been accidentally off my medication for about 3 days. I say accidentally because I didn't plan on it. I have been very good about taking it every day. But my insurance wouldn't cover filling it at a pharmacy. They wanted about 9x as much to fill it this time.

I had to call to have mail order started. That can take up to 11 days. I know it's all psychological, but I feel.... Weird I guess. I just don't feel right. I don't know what is wrong with me, really. I have anxiety and have been treated with Wellbutrin and Xanax. I have had 3 panic attacks that resulted in hospital stays so far in the past year.

I want it to stop. I want these feelings to stop. I want to be normal. I want to not worry and obsess I've every little thing. I am probably depressed too. I haven't had time to call a shrink. I don't even know where to begin.

I do feel very alone. I feel victimized. I feel like there is no justice. I am dizzy a lot. I am very tired. I am unmotivated to do anything. I don't know what to do to help myself. I don't want to do anything. I am so scared of having another panic attack that I avoid absolutely everything and everyone. I stay away from social situations. I live hour to hour. I do whatever it takes to get through just one hour at a time.

This is debilitating. I don't even remember what it's like not to care. I don't know what it's like to feel okay. I don't know what it's like not to feel like I am going to freak out every minute I am awake.

I need answers.

That also reminds me. I also haven't had a period in over 2 months. That freaks me out. I'm not pregnant (verified by blood test and pelvic exam). So there is something very wrong with me.

I try not to think about that. I can't think about it. But not thinking about it makes me obsess about not thinking about to the poi t I am thinking about it.

I am miserable. I truly am. I have no passion for anything. I have no drive for anything. I have nothing to look forward to. I don't feel like a living person.