Bittersweet Nostalgia and Goth Challenge #54

I finally got around to ripping a bunch of CDs to my iTunes.  It’s really bringing me back to the good ol’ days.  I have been listening to a lot of it at work all night.  Switchblade Symphony, Tactical Sekt, old Cruxshadows, London After Midnight, The Crow Soundtrack, Suicide Commando, Hanzel Und Gretyl, Apoptygma Berzerk…  Add that to some new favorites like Abney Park and random dubstep, it’s like a dance party up in here at the office.  The only thing keeping me from really rocking out is the fear of a hidden camera somewhere.  They’ve joked about putting one in so I’m always on guard. 

I miss my baby bat days.  I have forgotten who I was all these years away from home.  I have lived in the Midwest for almost 13 years.  I have only been back to NYC 3 times and those trips have only been in the past 2 years.  I miss it so much.  I have never been able to call this place home.  It is not and it never will be.  I have gotten quite a lot of crap for feeling that way.  It’s upsetting and makes me feel alienated.  But only proves how much I don’t belong here.  

So I have tried to bury who I am deep down and immerse myself into the life here.  I have been unable to leave because my children’s fathers live here and I cannot legally leave.  I cannot bear to be away from them so leaving was not an option.  So I complain and whine about it almost daily to anyone who will listen and to many who don’t.  

I am slowly finding who I am.  Thanks to my super awesome job, I can look how I want (to an extent).  I have pierced my lip finally.  I have dyed my hair black with a touch of blue.  So far, no complaints.  It’s harder than I thought hiding a tiny stud.  Tonight, I kept “biting my nails” and drinking from my water bottle to hide it from a tech I was speaking to about a project I’m working on.  It was amusing.  It’s definitely worth it though.  I am beginning to like what I look like for once in a loooooooong while.  I have neglected my appearance for so long.  Every day I would get up and think “what’s the point?” and not bother making any effort.

#54 Share photos and experiences from your Baby Bat Days

I decided to skip around the Goth Challenge questions since I found these pics when I was organizing my home office area this past weekend.  

As I’ve mentioned before, I grew up in NYC.  I was actually born in Canada.  My mom, sister and I moved to the Bronx where my mother was from when my adopted parents divorced.  I was about 6.  Here is a pic of me being absolutely adorable.  I know it’s not a Baby Bat pic but definitely worth posting.  It reminds me of my boys when they were little.  They have my eyes.  Well almost, they have beautiful, thick, long lashes that I envy.

Here are a couple of pics from my old neighborhood.  When I was in 6^th grade, we moved out my grandmother’s place into an apartment on 176^th street in the Bronx.  I am actually sitting on the stoop outside of my friend’s building down the block from where I lived.  Two girls I used to hang out with lived in the same building so it made sense for us to hang out there.   Besides, my building didn’t have stairs to laze around on.  My mother was in a wheelchair so stairs were out of the question.  I miss those two girls.  We had a huge falling out before I ran off to the Midwest.  We haven’t spoken since then. 

These stairs were where we filmed a goth video for Rosie’s class, stealthily smoked cigarettes, met up to go to shows in the Village, and generally made the rest of our neighbors uncomfortable.  “Brujah” was what was yelled at us.  I was the most outlandish so it didn’t bother me.  I liked scaring people.  You can’t really tell from these pics, but I usually wore much more makeup and had colored streaks in my hair. 

Here is a pic of me in my most favorite place in the whole world.  Washington Square Park, under “the tree”.  There was a tree that all of us congregated to.  I say “us” because there was a huge group of regular kids who met up there all day every day, rain or shine, before school, after school, during school.  We were from all over the city.  Some Jersey kids even infiltrated our group.  We were ravers, punks, goths, misfits from all walks of life.  There you could barely see a heated argument between friends, Tarot readings, energy manipulations, quiet musings of life from the vantage point of 16 years olds through the smoke of clove cigarettes and weed smoke.  It was magical and I will never forget those times.

The tree is gone now.  The concrete benches have been replaced.  No one gathers there anymore.  We have all grown old and moved on to careers, starting families and adult life.  I went back there once last March, 2012.  It was all I could do not to burst into tears.  My soul is there. 

I think I can recapture that spirit I had.  I think I can find who I am and become whole.  Until then, join me on my journey to self-discovery.