Take some time out for yourself once in awhile

I am impulsive.  I have always been this way.  I make these split decisions and then regret them.  But then when I take my time on a decision I obsess over it for days, weeks, months, years until it blows up in my face because I waited too long….

In this case, I feel pretty good about it.  I ordered Wen.  I know, I know.  It’s not a life changing decision.  I just like to be a bit melodramatic sometimes.  So I apologize for the ominous introduction (even if it is all completely true).  For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about.  Wen is a hair care revolution.  Some sort of magical treatment that replaces the most common 5 hair products most of us use daily to look somewhat presentable every day of our lives.  It is a shampoo, conditioner, deep conditioner, detangler and leave-in conditioner all in one.  

I am a sucker for early morning infomercials.  It’s gotten worse since I work 3^rd shift now.  I get home in time to watch the end of some.  And on days off, I’m up all night watching whatever I DVR’d that week and infomercials while I get homework or work done.  This one has been one I’ve scoffed at for weeks. 
 

I used to love taking care of myself.  I loved spending time and money getting my nails done, getting haircuts every season, buying new clothes and makeup, watching and reading blogs on new makeup techniques and hairstyles….  But since I have gained so much weight this year…  I don’t do any of that anymore.  I didn’t notice how much I have neglected myself until one day, I dug out some eyeliner and lipstick and my husband asked who I was getting all dressed up for….  That made me sad (and a little mad).  

Why did it seem so out of character for me to put some makeup on?  Because I haven’t done it in months, that’s why.  I quit doing anything to draw attention to myself.  I despised passing mirrors.  They just showed me how much my body has changed; how much I have let myself go.  I have anxiety attacks just thinking about any kind of social interaction when people might have to look at me.  

I have a horrible self-image.  And it has to stop.  So, lately, I have been putting on makeup every day.  I have been making small changes, water instead of soda sometimes, salad instead of fried foods sometimes.  I know I have to make drastic changes to see any kind of drastic changes but I am not ready yet.  

This little investment in hair care has made me realize I have to make other changes.  I say I need to lose weight a million times a day.  I joke about being a “fat ass” and call myself the “fat funny one” now.  I used to be the “pretty one” or sometimes the “smart one”.  I just want to be the one to say it first before people say it behind my back.  I know what I look like.  It wasn’t a big issue until I moved to the new house a few months ago…

My husband and I moved ourselves (every one of our friends were mysteriously unreachable that weekend lol) across town.  We had a ton of furniture and appliances.  Well we managed to get it all done.  That Sunday my knee was hurting a little bit.  I didn’t think much about it.  Until it got progressively worse.  By Tuesday I could barely put any weight on it at all.  I went to a doctor to make sure it wasn’t anything serious that required any kind of surgery.  It was derangement of the knee and I was told to use crutches and offered pain medication which I turned down because I absolutely hate pain meds.  I limped for about a week and a half and once in awhile it still gives me problems.  

So I did the best thing I could think of.  I looked online about ways to alleviate knee/joint pain.  I have been getting random pains and just not feeling well at all lately.  I have trouble breathing and sleeping.  And lo and behold, every article I read said to lose weight.  My weight is putting way too much pressure on my joints.  Pressure that I have never had to deal with before.  The only time I was ever over 130 was when I was pregnant.  I have absolutely no excuse for my size now.

My BMI is 28.6 at the moment which is overweight, leaning towards obesity.  I had a checkup done for an insurance break at work ($20 off per month for 15 minutes of my life, sure!).  That should have been a wakeup call.  I put the results away and I haven’t looked at them since.  I don’t know how to deal with it right now.  I have high everything, cholesterol, triglycerides…  You name it, I have it.  

My oldest son is taking after me.  I have to change.  I have to do it now.  I can’t wait. My family needs me and I have to set a good example.